Before I start blathering, I’ve come to the realization that I’m really starting this blog about halfway into my experience with depression. (Anyone else getting sick of that word? Just me?) At some point I’m going to go back and explain myself and how I got the the point at which this blog picks up, but today I’m interested in a few bits of awesome.
1. Dressed up. For me, this means something other than jeans and a t-shirt, and was practically impossible for a very long time. I just couldn’t bring myself to try, and if I managed to give it a shot, my self-image was so terrible I ended up back in the ol’ jeans and t-shirts. (This is not to say that I won’t maintain a reliable staple of $20 jeans and black tees, because damn, that’s easy.)
2. Had an amazing conversation that led to something very exciting. I can’t tell you about it yet…But it involves this blog, and it’s very cool.
3. Turned up the radio on my drive home. For some reason it hit me that I can’t remember the last time I was alone, and in my own head, and my attention was caught by a song that I really wanted to hear. Wow, this sounds silly. One of the yardsticks for me in terms of measuring progress is a level of interest – in the world around me, books, music, people, events. Something I didn’t really understand that I was missing, until I wanted to hear that song.
4. Didn’t care. I went downtown to meet a friend for lunch, and the area I needed to walk through was cordoned off by a film crew, but pedestrians were being allowed to pass. In the past, I would have taken the long way to avoid even the slightest possibility that I might be caught on film somewhere – If I saw the local news team, I would literally turn and walk the other way – but I walked through them today. I didn’t think about it until after, and then had an almost reflexive embarrassment; as though my brain piped up with “hey – you forgot to hide!” I did my little internal dialogue; checking in, and realized I felt just fine. It was a good moment.
5. Did NOT berate myself. I forgot to take the Cipralex last night, and although I have no idea whether or not this has any medical validity, I was up ’till the wee hours experiencing some high anxiety. That may have been because I forgot the pill, or just how things go – highs and lows, ups and downs, strikes and gutters*. This morning I was tired, and knew I’d ‘failed’ the night before, but instead of spending a whole bunch of time on it, I put a reminder in my cell phone about the pill and forgot about it.
All in all, a successful day in my books. Going for lunch with a friend and taking care in my appearance ticks two easy things off of the checklists of work I have to do going forward: Making more of an effort in my relationships and taking better care of myself. I’m counting this as a win.
And now I’m going to leave you with the song that caught my ear today. Enjoy…and if you do, you can check them out and buy their stuff here: http://www.samrobertsband.com/ or on iTunes.
*This belongs to The Big Lebowski, to which I owe many high school nights of white-Russian-induced hilarity.