Eating Money

My name is Gwen Hill, and I suffer from depression and anxiety.

The thing about this blog, of the feels-like-bloody-dozens that I’ve started: It’s got a weird name.  The title appears to have nothing to do with the content, because I’m going to talk about depression and coping and such things, and not about the best way to put a french glaze on your ten-dollar-bills. (Which I do not believe you should do.  Do not eat money.  It is full of germs and, also, MADE OF PAPER AND METAL which are bad for you.)

Glad that’s out of the way.

This is based on one of those pesky morals I’m trying to stick to, which is: Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is.  I’ve known and loved people who have struggled with mental illness, and the accompanying guilt and shame and secrecy always left me feeling vaguely unsettled.  Our brains are big chemical factories, and while there are certainly people who are just lazy, stupid and needy, that shouldn’t take away from the fact that mental illness is a real problem.  There are actual disorders, there is a biology to it, and people who suffer from such illnesses should not need to feel such shame.

That’s been my little puttering philosophy, hanging about in the back of my mind.  Never really had to do anything about it because the stories of those I love are not mine to tell, and I didn’t think I had one of my own.

Now I do.

I’m on anti-depressants, I’m in therapy, I’ve told my family and my friends. I’m talking about it. I’m not ashamed of myself; I’m not ashamed of this stupid depression. I am going to kick it, because this person I’ve been – she is not who I am. It’s all a part of me, sure, but it’s not the best part of me, and it’s no way to live a phenomenal life, which I fully plan to do.  I think that’s as good of a start as any.

 

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7 thoughts on “Eating Money

  1. You know, that song goes really well with the blog, which I love and think is great.

    You’re great too – the thing about the person you’ve been not being who you are – I can relate to that.

    For reasons you will understand.

    Guess I don’t get to be the only head case any more. Welcome to the team, I think you’ll like it.

    Love ya.

  2. I love the title. And I’m really glad you started it. I’ve been on and off meds for a while now and have suffered the ups and downs of depression. I’ve been uncomfortable talking about it so I’m glad someone is. Looking forward to reading more.

    • This is the thing – I don’t want us all to be uncomfortable! Two years ago I broke my leg and took antibiotics for the infection, and I wasn’t uncomfortable with that. I’m trying to hold that state of comfort in my mind as the standard for how I want to feel about antidepressants. Thanks for reading, and sharing. Hope you are having more ups than downs these days.

  3. Does it help knowing that people care about you? That people are thinking about you? I hope so, because I do and I am. If it helps having friends along for the journey rather than doing it in solitude, the know that I’m right here with you, too.

    • Thank you Jake, it really does help – especially when it’s a friend I feel I’ve failed over and over by promising a ‘GEE’ and not delivering. You’ll be on the list of apologies I need to make.

  4. Pingback: Guest Post Fridays: Bill Blais on Being Normal « Eating Money

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