My Hill To Die On

So last night, I saw my therapist. I talked for a while, rambling on about trying to do things and managing a couple and then generally feeling lousy and going to bed; waking up exhausted, doing it over again. I told her I had felt really well, for a week or two, and now seemed to be backsliding. It felt like one of our old sessions, with me fighting back tears and trying to talk through the lump in my throat – and feeling incredibly frustrated with the familiarity. And, okay, horrified at the thought of going back on the meds. No matter what I know, it would feel like a failure to me.

She said, “I think you’re tired. I think everything that you have done in terms of coping with your depression – living with it, starting to see me, the medication, the last few months – has led you to this point. This is the part where you have to fight. This is your hill to die on.”

Holy fuck, I forgot to fight.

I’ve been learning all this gentle self-talk and care and healing and I forgot to fight.

Well fuuuuuck you, depression, I am a good fighter. This is my body and my mind and I have worked goddamn hard for them and you can’t have them.  I am not going through the last five fucking years all over again because you’re a bully and you don’t know when to piss offI’ll tell you who’s hill this is to die on: Yours.

Last night I realized that I almost lost, because I neglected some fundamental parts of to who I am: The tenacious, the aggressive and the determined. Suddenly, I’m feeling better. Fucking depression. Horseshit. Other swear words. I’m mad now.

p.s. First person to make a pun about my last name…will actually be the second person. Muahaha.

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2 thoughts on “My Hill To Die On

  1. Interesting. Kind of an anti-Buddhist approach

    To my non-expert understanding, the Buddhist response might instead be along the lines of, ‘Depression, you can come or go as you please. It makes no difference to me.’ To fight depression would be to anticipate and hold vigilance against it; an embrace of sorts, paradoxically holding it in place and preventing its passing.

    I wonder if stepping up to fight may make you even more exhausted. I hope not. I selfishly want your output to stay up. I’ve come to really enjoy your writing. It’s the first thing I open in my Inbox when I a new post comes in. It’s like a letter among the bills, written by a friend.

    But maybe you’ll win some rounds. You certainly do have moxie… Just please don’t kill yourself dying on that hill.

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